InvisibleKitten

I’m afraid I’ve been struggling lately; things have been up and down, and back and forth, without any real end in sight. I’m sorry for the lack of blogging, but I can barely stay awake when I sit down, let alone form coherent thoughts. I’ve been fighting cold after cold, a bout of bronchitis, a random infection in my jaw that was so painful it spawned a trip to the ER, and a few days where it just hurt to goddamn bad to walk. The worst of it all, believe it or not, was the weird infection I got in my jaw. Luckily, my friends encouraged me to get it taken care of before it got into the bone, but I wish I was kidding when I say I don’t know that I’ve ever felt *that* kind of pain, for that extended an amount of time. My face was swollen, aching, and it literally felt like some random invisible being was trying to rip its way out of my jaw from the inside. It was completely awful, and I am so, so glad that it’s over.

Today, though, today I am feeling better. This was all spurned by a soapbox rant in my favorite IRC channel last night – one of my favorite things to rant about, actually. FATPHOBIA. I hate the idea that someone wouldn’t see me as beautiful simply because I’m not a size 2. I’ve never been one! Even before I got sick, I was a fairly solidly built girl. I was never frail or petite. Standing at a little bit shy of 5′7″, I’ve never been little, or cute. But this is me, and I am trying, ever day, to love myself. How can I be expected to, in a world that detests anyone who actually dares wear jeans in a double-digit size?? Gasp! The horror! Let me tell you something, society – I am BEAUTIFUL. I am kind, and loving, and giving. I will do, and have done, anything for my friends and family. I am a good mother, an incredible friend, a loving daughter. I try my hardest every single day to do something good for someone, even if it’s something as small as reminding someone when they’ve had a bad day, that the sun will come out tomorrow. It isn’t ever easy, you know, going through life, hurting. It’s not easy to try and smile when your insides are so lonely and sad. But I manage to do it, despite the world, despite society. And I feel good today. I felt good last night. The pain is barely there. When I smile, it isn’t forced or faked. I am *happy*, because I CHOOSE TO BE.

I finally made a New Years Resolution. I was actually avoiding doing so, for fear of failure.. but man, am I tired of not doing things based on the fact that I could potentially fail. I am tired of not living life because I am afraid of what other people see when they look at me. I want to have adventures, and laugh, and enjoy my life… because if I am so unhappy, what is the damned point, anyways? So, my resolution is this:  starting now, I will actively seek to find a way to make a person love themselves a little bit more, every day. Without my support system, I don’t know that I could love myself at all, but it turns out, I do! I love myself a lot! I am comfortable in this body, in my own skin. I am worth knowing, and loving. And Prince Charming? He’s waiting – somewhere, somewhere.

In regards to feeling like a million bucks last night, here are some pictures of me. If I look happy, it’s because I am. If I look chubby, it’s because I’m that, too. Get over it. Curves are beautiful, and I love every inch of me!