Some days I just can’t seem to get going. I realise everyone has days where they lack motivation healthy or sick, but with me I have these days that I am motivated to do things, but just can’t seem to get started.
Today is one of those days. I can’t say it’s a bad day for me, I feel mostly ok. I am tired, but not so tired that I can’t function, my muscles aren’t hurting but feel weak, it is difficult to get them to move. I have a list of things I want to be doing today, but somehow all of them seem too hard. When I am well I don’t feel this way at all, I just do things.
Earlier I got up to make a coffee, stood at the bench where the kettle is and did nothing. Somehow it seemed too hard to pick up that kettle; I decided I didn’t want it enough. It didn’t feel as if I had the energy for this task. I stood longer looking at the dishes, the thought crossed my mind that it would take a few minutes to pack the clean ones away, but I didn’t do it. If I was well I would have done that job while the kettle boiled.
This isn’t depression, I don’t feel down at all today, I don’t feel unmotivated, what I feel is weak.
If you don’t have chronic fatigue, this is what it feels like, or at least one aspect of it. It is difficult for others to understand why it becomes so difficult to do simple tasks. I break up my jobs so I don’t overdo it in a day; even making a few phone calls needs to be broken up over a number of days. If I am well I can tackle a lot of jobs in a day, if I’m not I can’t seem to get it together to do any of them.
This feeling seems to come from a combination of brain fog, muscle weakness, and general fatigue. My brain can’t put together how to go about a job, making a phone call can become impossible because I can’t think how to start the conversation, let alone how to continue it. Muscle weakness can make it difficult to get out of bed, or have a shower, because it seems as if when my mind says do this; my legs aren’t willing or able to follow the instructions.
The hardest thing about these days is I never know when to expect them, there is no pattern, no trigger, just the ups and downs of chronic fatigue.
Kebbster