Too many sunrises, not enough sleep

Over the years I have seen many sunrises for many reasons, some good, some not so good…

Some have been after a big night, during early morning holiday departures, towards the end of a long night duty, and when I haven’t slept a wink.

Last night I didn’t sleep at all, as a chronic insomniac I have many less than desirable nights sleep, but it is hard to compete with those odd times when I just can’t sleep at all. It’s a bizarre feeling being without sleep, to quote Edward Norten in Fight Club when you have insomnia you’re never really asleep…and you’re never really awake. That’s the state I am in right now.

In this in between state I thought (due to my complete lack of reasoning) that there is no better time than now to write a post about insomnia. As I write I am repeatedly fixing spelling errors because my brain isn’t really operating, it wants to be asleep, it thinks it’s asleep, and is behaving as such (so apologies for any errors).

I find this feeling interesting; eventually at some point today I will just crash (this has happened before), usually around 10 or 11am. Until then I will remain in this state of limbo.

It’s bizarre that when my fatigue is at its worst so is my insomnia. It is as if my body and mind are working so hard all day to wake up that when it is time to sleep it can’t. When I am really tired I put all my energy into feeling as awake as I can, I do the wrong things and drink coffee and tea, I put my mental energies into becoming more alert, and will engage in mentally stimulating activities to push myself into a more alert state. After all this by the time I have finally woken up its midnight, and now as far as my body is concerned it is the middle of the day, and it wants to work. My mind goes into overdrive, no amount of meditation, drugs, or warm milk will slow that down until it is well into the night….and so the viscous cycle begins of a bad sleep pattern and worse symptoms.

I can imagine a whole night without sleep would impact badly on anyone. I have trouble remembering if it did pre-chronic-illness, it didn’t when I worked nights but it was all well planned out then, and I slept all day, I wasn’t without. If it was a big night and I saw the sunrise, chances are I had a hefty morning of sleep planned. A well body seems to be able to cope with these sleepless nights, but a chronically ill one is another matter.

When I get absolutely no sleep towards the end of the night the muscle spasms and body aches become intense, by the time I do get to sleep I am in agony. The pain seems so deeply rooted it is as if my very bones are crying out in pain begging for sleep. Interestingly enough, usually when I finally do get to sleep I wake up fine, so the intense response is a short term reaction and not evidence of any worsening of my condition.

My mind has gone blank many times writing this, I will post this in the deluded belief that it makes sense and isn’t gibberish.

I sign off with warm fuzzy thoughts of finally getting some sleep.